Five O'Clock Somewhere

Welcome to Five O'Clock Somewhere, where it doesn't matter what time zone you're in; it's five o'clock somewhere. We'll look at rural life, especially as it happens in Rio Arriba County, New Mexico, cats, sailing (particularly Etchells racing yachts), and bits of grammar and Victorian poetry.

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Location: Rio Arriba County, New Mexico, United States

Monday, June 22, 2009

Light bulb project: results

And the winners are …

… everybody who contributed to the project.

We had a total of 40 jokes, in 19 comments or posts (counting both those left here and those left elsewhere), including my own two samples at the start of the project, and counting the lengthy dialogue inspired by one of the comments as one joke. Depending on how you count things, we may or may not be short of the record that Tillerman's lists project set. The comments/posts count falls short of the record of 30, but the total number of jokes far exceeds the record.

A total of 14 contributors have each earned a pint of their choice at either Socorro Springs Brewing Company or the High Country Saloon: Tillerman, Turinas, Andrew, O Docker, EscapeVelocity, M Squared, darusha, yarg, JP, tim Patterson, 3redbars, David Greenlee/Scuttlebutt, Gerald, and Pat. Thanks to all who participated.

Here are the contributions, in no particular order:

My examples:

How many Etchells sailors does it take to change a light bulb? It doesn't matter, because they're all busy bragging about their fraculators.

How many MacGregor sailors does it take to change a light bulb? Six: one to change the bulb and five to replace the wiring on the boat.

From Tillerman:

How many high school sailors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb, one to be a witness, and one to file the protest.

How many Finn sailors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to hold the bulb and three to rotate the ladder.

How many Star sailors does it take to change a light bulb?
115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

How many Force 5 sailors does it take to change a light bulb?
Irrelevant. There aren't any Force 5 sailors left. They all burned their boats and bought Lasers.

How many Sunfish sailors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The class rules don't allow the light bulb to be changed.

How many Moth sailors does it take to change a light bulb?
Meaningless question. The light bulb was eliminated to save weight.

How many Laser sailors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Laser sailors aren't afraid of the dark.

How many Practical Sailor Testers does it take to change a light bulb?
There's no way to find out without signing up to be a subscriber.

From tim Patterson:

How many Hobie Cat sailors does it to change a light bulb? Only two, one to hold the bulb and the other to steer the cat in circles.

From 3redbars:

How many Laser Master's sailors does it take to change a light bulb? Just one because they don't need any coaches or support boats to help them.

From JP:

How many luxury super yacht sailors does it take to change a light bulb? None! There are staff to do that for you.

How many America's Cup sailors does it take to change a light bulb? None! Everything is done by lawyers now.

From EscapeVelocity:

How many Catalina 22 sailors does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't, they prefer the old ones.

How many J22 sailors does it take to change a light bulb?
275 kg.

How many J24 sailors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Foredeck holds the bulb, pit turns the ladder, skipper yells at them for not doing it fast enough.

From M Squared:

How many Santana 20 sailors does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to hold the lava lamp bottle and one to change the light bulb.

From Andrew:

How many Optimist sailors does it take to change a liight bulb?
One, and her Dad
[who will end up doing it for her while she runs round the boat park with her friends]

From yarg:

How many ISAF rule writing sailors does it take to change a light bulb? 1001. 1000 to exchange emails for three years, and one to print them, pile them, and stand on the pile to reach the light bulb.

How many Laser sailors does it take to change a light bulb? Laser sailors don't use light bulbs, they light the room with a computer monitor while reading Tillerman's blog.

How many Laser sailmaker sailors does it take to change a light bulb? It only takes two, but it takes 30 years to do it.

How many US Sailing sailors does it take to change a light bulb? Seven. One to write the book on light bulbs, one to teach the course, one to collect the money, one to issue the certificate for successful course completion, one to maintain the website for certified light bulb changers, and one to change the light bulb.

(Tillerman responded:

Hey yarg. That last one has only six. You missed out the "one to present US Sailing Life Time Achievement Awards For Excellence in Light Bulb Changing to the other six.")

From darusha:

How many cruising sailors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. Only one to change the bulb, but 5 others to talk about the time they changed a lightbulb at the top of the mast while in the middle of a gale on the way to the Tuamotos.

From Gerald:

How many college FJ sailors does it take to change a lightbulb?
To be honest, know one really knows. When it went out, someone just dragged the keg out into the beach and the party went on anyway.

From Pat:

How many Arizona State college sailors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There's not enough money in the ASU budget to buy new bulbs, so the team will have to keep patching the old ones or try to charter a bulb from another team.

How many high-performance dinghy sailors does it take to change a light bulb?
Forty-three. One to change to bulb and the other forty-two to turn the house upside down into its "normally capsized position" and turn it around.

How many certified club race officers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he or she will spend a lot of time trying to make the electric line perpendicular to the current.

How many International Judges or Umpires does it take to change a light bulb?
Two -- and the second one will penalize the first one for using any illegal kinetics in violation of Rule 42 whilst the bulb is being changed.
Note: The light bulb is not allowed to exit the receptacle with any more speed than when it went into the receptacle, else additional Penalty Turns will have to be assessed.

How many Race Chairmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Hard to say; it depends entirely upon the handicap system, the bulb's measurements, and whether the bulb will be used primarily in windward-leeward, off-wind, or random-leg courses.

How many sailing instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four: One to suddenly throw the bulb overboard, one to keep the bulb in sight, one to execute a crew overboard Figure 8 or Quick Stop recovery approach, and one to recover and change the bulb.

How many regatta organizers does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty-four. Five to find commercial sponsors for changing the light bulb, six to erect the tent for the light bulb changing ceremony, three to make welcoming speeches for the light bulb, two to write press releases, two more to pass out and collect tickets for the light bulb changing ceremony, one to make videos of the changing, one to take still pictures, one to write liability release forms for the bulb to sign, one to obtain Lighting insurance, one to police the light bulb parking area and one to change the bulb.

How many Women Match Racing Sailors does it take to change a light bulb?
You disgusting male chauvinist pig! Why don't you guys do just a little of the housework so we can concentrate on winning races?!

How many Commodores does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's the job of the Vice Commodore for Facilities or the House Captain.

How many oil tanker sailors does it take to change a light bulb?
None; the bulbs on tankers are very heavy and not light at all, so it takes a well-equipped shipyard to change them.

How many Parrot Heads does it take to change a light bulb?
None needed; they can find the blender, margarita glasses, and large shaker of salt in the dark.

How many Mommy Boat Coaches does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven: One to sign the entry forms, one to scan the Lighting Instructions and Notice of Lighting for loopholes, one to rig the light bulb, one to tow the light bulb to the area to be lit, one to change the light bulb, one to sneak in some last-minute coaching, and one stationed up-current to relay information about current surges and voltage spikes.

How many Zen Laser Masters does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb really has to want to change.

One joke inspired a chain of responses; I counted the original joke, but not the responses, in my tally of jokes. This is a dialogue between O Docker and Tillerman:

O Docker: How many America's Cup sailors does it take to change a light bulb?***

***The correct answer cannot be determined at this time pending a decision of the New York state appelate courts.

O Docker: This just in on the America's Cup light bulb controversy. The answer will now hinge on how the appellate court interprets crucial language involving exactly what constitutes a light bulb. Attorneys for the challenger are arguing that an electrical appliance designed to emit light is not actually a 'light bulb' unless it has been used at least once in the past as a source of light. Thus, a new bulb cannot actually be considered a 'light bulb'. The decision is not expected to be handed down until sometime in October. What's the deadline for this writing project?

Tillerman: Latest legal filing on the America's Cup light bulb controversy just in...

The phrase "light bulb" in the challenge from the Rio Grande Sailing Club is inherently confusing and open to several interpretations. "Lightbulb" is a noun, free of adjective, and is primarily a technical term to describe an electrical device used for providing illumination.

However the Secretary of RGSC chose to issue a challenge to be performed with a "light bulb". In this context it is clear that light is an adjective and bulb is a noun, and that the adjective modifies the noun.

A "bulb" is defined in botany as "a short, modified, underground stem surrounded by usually fleshy modified leaves that contain stored food for the shoot within."

And "light" is defined both as "pale, whitish, or not deep or dark in color" and also as "of little weight; not heavy".

By choosing such vague language, unfortunately RGSC has not made it clear whether the challenge is to be performed with onion bulbs (former definition) or snowdrop bulbs (latter definition), or whether indeed the challenger may choose to compete with an onion bulb against the defender's snowdrop bulb.

In a subsequent filing I will acquaint the court with similar difficulties and ambiguities in the meaning of the word "screw"...

O Docker: And now this on the America's Cup. In a surprise move, the sailors may not be installing a light bulb at all. They're now being asked to fire off a six-foot-long Roman candle, which most agree is far more spectacular to watch than any kind of light bulb. This has raised an uproar between those who would love to see Roman candles lighting up the night sky and traditionalists who claim generations of Cup sailors have changed light bulbs and the Cup just wouldn't be the Cup, and whatever.

The only problem is that now no one knows just where the Roman candles would be fired off and many are so disgruntled by all of this they're starting to use the word 'screw' in contexts not intended by the drafters of the original challenge.

When the Rio Grande Sailing Club holds a regatta, we usually have at least two fleets. We have the racing fleet, for boats whose designers had racing in mind: Etchells, J/24s, J/22s and the like. Then we have the cruising fleet for boats that were not designed with racing in mind, such as the Freedom 21, the Hunter 34, and the MacGregor 26. Depending upon turnout and availability of a support boat, we may also have a dinghy fleet, which consists primarily of MC Scows but also may include the occasional Capri 14 or the like. Here are the winning jokes for each fleet; each winner will get not just one but two pints upon arrival in New Mexico:

For the racing fleet, from David Greenlee/Scuttlebutt:

How many America's Cup owners does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

For the cruising fleet, JP:

How many iPhone owning sailors does it take to change a light bulb? None! You just download the torchlight app dude!!!

For the dinghy fleet, Andrew:

How many Laser sailors does it take to change a lightbulb?
If Part Three does not specifically allow a change or
addition - IT IS ILLEGAL!

Finally, the grand prize goes to Turinas, whose joke sums up wonderfully what this whole blogging thing is all about. He can choose to upgrade his pint to a pitcher, or he may take a dinner entrée plus a pint:

How many sailing bloggers does it take to change a lightbulb?
250
1 to change the light bulb and 249 to write supportive comments, share lightbulb changing experiences, recollections of the time Tillerman invented the first lightbulb holder made of duct tape, Joe to post a girl in a bikini holding a fish with a light bulb in its mouth (not that I'm complaining, Puffy to post why windsurfers are better lightbulb changers, Bonnie to write a great story of kayakers changing lightbulbs in Brooklyn, Christian to paint a lovely water color, Tugster to share photos of lightbulbs on tugs, etc

Again, thanks to all who participated. It's been fun.

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4 Comments:

Blogger Tillerman said...

Well done! You now hold the official world record for Most Successful Group Writing Project by a Sailing Blogger. That 40 mark will be hard to beat.

Mon Jun 22, 08:18:00 AM MDT  
Blogger Carol Anne said...

Interesting thought ... I might call the bonus prize for the fleet winners an "extra pint."

There's a somewhat seedy place on Central here in Albuquerque whose real name is the Extra Point Sports Bar and Package Store. However, many years ago, one of the O's fell off the sign and was never replaced, so the sign actually says "Extra Pint."

I'm not sure any of our winners would actually want to visit the place, however.

Tue Jun 23, 01:02:00 AM MDT  
Blogger Andrew said...

It may well take another 10 years but one day we'll surprise you by turning up for a beer or two :)

Wed Jun 24, 02:02:00 PM MDT  
Blogger JP said...

Good group writing competition - as always a lot of fun, so thanks for thinking it up.

I'll have to find a client based in New Mexico so can claim my cool pint ;)


ps ok Carole Anne, what have you done to the word verification algorithm??? I've got to type in "horni" so you can see my comments

Tue Jun 30, 01:14:00 PM MDT  

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